don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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