it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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