Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I smell like Dick and happiness
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
