Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
where am i from again
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
