At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
When are your genitals available?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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