i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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