My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
