i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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