Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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