found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
