you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
