Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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