she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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