We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
