paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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