put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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