I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
