Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
