You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
