Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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