my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
