I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
