'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
