I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
