porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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