Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
