We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
