Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
