did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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