When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just gift wrapped bread.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
