Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Of course I have a pirate flag
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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