I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
