Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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