you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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