I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
