you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
