There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I faked an abortion last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
