What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
