I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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