Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
