Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
