Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
