he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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