My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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