You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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