That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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