And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
