he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
