The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Come on in and take your pants off
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