Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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