My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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