My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
