You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
