u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
